Dependency on self
Like most people, I used to be independent and self-reliant, being an island unto myself. But no person is an island.
Because we built for living and existing in communities, I am now happy to ask for and allow others to help me, especially when I do need help.
This may expose me to being vulnerable, but I do not see needing help as making me any less of a person. I simply view helping and being helped as what people living in the community do for each other.
All humans have the innate need for love. That’s why it’s so important to surround ourselves with people and not live life in isolation and loneliness.
The truth of the matter is that there are more people are living in loneliness in our communities now than ever before and it is projected will get worse.
Need for approval
Sometimes, I still strive for the praise, approval, and acceptance of others. But I know I should not if I truly wanted to live in freedom.
The reality is that we are all living in a culture of performance where striving for approval, status, and position is the way of life. There is a need for someone to take notice of us. To praise us for all the things we are doing.
For many of us living in performance-oriented homes or culture, we need personal achievements in order to impress others. Our identity is wrapped in our performance and success.
Better still, we volunteer for anything that might get us in the path or sight of the person we are seeking to impress.
As a result, we can be wounded or cultivate bitterness if our performance or contributions were not recognised when others’ were.
This is still a work in progress for me.
I must constantly remind myself that I can rest in a job well done without worrying about obtaining any credit for it.
There is so much freedom in that!
What others think of us
For many years, I used to be insecure about “what will people think” just because I couldn’t find that place of peace, just to relax, and be myself.
It was a constant looking over my shoulder. It was living life dictated and driven by other people. I was not in control of my own life.
In fact, I was living in other people’s dreams.
If you want to be your best and to perform well, the fear of people’s opinion may be holding you back.
If you can think about a time or situation when you were extremely anxious – public speaking, raising your hand in a meeting, or even walking through a room of strangers – the only reason why you felt small, insecure, scared, or tense is that you were worried about social disapproval.
The fear of other people’s opinion can have negative effects far beyond performance. It can also impact your talents, beliefs, and values. You fear being ridiculed or rejected.
This is where you start conforming to what others may or may not think.
In fact, this will only harm your potential. You will not go for that promotion because you don’t think you are qualified for the job.
Cultivate more self-awareness
Instead, cultivate more self-awareness to conquer the fear of other peoples’ opinion.
Develop a stronger and much deeper sense of who you are through a personal philosophy – like “walk worthy” or “be my best” – and commit yourself to live according to its tenets. Take calculated risks. Be respectfully weird.
Now, I choose to rest in peace for who I am, living the life I choose. I don’t need to know what other people think of me. Who cares what others think of me anyway because I now know my identity and purpose.
I am now free of what others think of me.
Comparing with others
Most of us grew up comparing ourselves to others from a very young age.
We compare our grades at school, sports performance, weight, body shape and then later on in life our jobs, cars, and houses.
All these can define how good or bad we can feel about ourselves.
When we come across someone who seems more successful, more beautiful, or more fulfilled, our hearts sink a little bit more. Our minds start to wonder.
Comparison is the thief of my joy and freedom
I realised that it’s really no fun trying to “beat the other guy” all the time.
Eventually, I will just turn cold and stressed. My energy was directed towards “them” when I should be directing my thoughts and energy into just being better than I was yesterday, small steps at a time.
And when I did that, I’m relaxed and calm. I feel totally free to do what I always want to do, without worrying about anyone else, without looking over my shoulders, and without beating the other guy.
I know that I must be positive and affirming because I know that I have a great value and potential in myself, where I am able to contribute to and serve others.
My goal, therefore, is to make everyone compete with me.
The truth of the matter is that most people remain stuck in their mediocre circumstances. They do more complaining and worrying instead of just taking positive action to get massive results for themselves and become better people.
It’s about proactively creating opportunities for myself rather than aimlessly reacting to circumstances.
That’s what I constantly remind myself to do if I want to continuously live in freedom, not in slavery, and not to be driven by others and circumstances.
Putting others down to look good
It’s always easy to put people down rather than to pull or build them up. It will take years to build up a reputation but it can take seconds to destroy it.
In workplaces especially, there are people who just like to make themselves look good by making others look bad. They need to take advantage of every opportunity to look good for themselves (at the exclusion or detriment of others!) even if that means throwing the other person under the bus or causing them to hurt.
What better opportunity to succeed than through the failures of others!
With an abundance mindset, I really don’t need to strive for affection and permission from others. I have given myself permission to do whatever I want. No one else can.
Knowing that I am valued and deeply loved, there’s no longer any competition with my peers, colleagues, and friends. I live in security in who I am because I know my true identity.
I don’t need to put people down because we can all share our individual successes.
What I need to do is to cover or restore others in love, humility, and gentleness rather than in pride, arrogance, and destruction. I need to appreciate and value people more instead of putting them down.
Culturally, I feel awkward and uncomfortable telling people “I love you”, how special they are to me, or just giving people hugs.
It really feels silly to be afraid to say this (or show love) to a loved one. Yet, so many people can’t say a few simple words that would galvanise their entire relationship and deeply touch their souls.
But I am learning to let go of my pride and let humility does its thing in my life.
Afraid or fear of failure
People around you can be insecure, afraid of failure, or afraid of looking stupid in front of others around them. Or they can be just fearful.
We all know this.
To get significantly good or better at anything, we need to fail at it many times. The more we fail, the more we can learn from our failures. We can use these lessons to better ourselves, bringing us closer to success.
This presents a huge opportunity for me if I am the sole person who proactively steps forward and does the work, ignoring the possible embarrassment.
By faith and hope, it’s just learning or understanding how to succeed through failures.
The worst thing you can do in the face of constant uncertainty and change is to do nothing, staying in your current situation.
Only proactive action can break this rut cycle. Action brings clarity and results. Only results, good or bad, will clarify what your next step is.
I really don’t want to be a safe member of the mediocre majority. Rather, I want to be an outstanding member of the 5%.
Only action and failures will bring that clarity; not inaction; not fear; not insecurity.
View of discipline and authority
Generally, people don’t like to be disciplined because they must always be right or perfect. The view is that there’s always something wrong with other people, not me.
They also can’t receive criticism well either, even if they really need it or if it is given out in love.
Instead of finding it difficult to embrace submission to people who are disciplining me or even from people in authority, I am respectful and honouring these people. They care enough for me to be able to tell or correct me even if I may not agree with what was said.
Admonition and humility are needed in my life in order to expose and put to death my faults and weaknesses in order for me to be a better person.
In particular, I am reminded of Johari’s Window where there are blind-spots in my life that I may not be aware of but others can see it in me. These are the personal weaknesses that I really want to know about so that I can improve myself to be a better person.
Source of personal comfort and peace
Society has conditioned us to seek comfort in addictions, compulsions, escapism, busyness, and hyper-religious activity. People hide away in alcohol, work, volunteering for every possible position, eating, pornography, masturbation, or maybe even sleep.
However, what I needed to do was not to be critical of myself.
Instead, my comfort, peace, and identity come through quietness, solitude, meditation, and prayer. Being able to stop and rest are the keys to my personal freedom.
Striving for freedom
I no longer want to live in a state of bondage – be it fear, insecurity, fear of people, criticism, religiousness, fear of confrontation, needing to be right, competition, jealousy, vying for position and status, and the list goes on.
Being free is about living in a state of liberty; in a state of freedom.
I want to be free to be myself, free to be loved, free to love others without restriction or criticalness, free from competition, free to rest, free to be childlike (not childish), and free to be who I am called to be without apology.
I want to be me, driven by my own agenda!
Your freedom is at hand
To live life in freedom, we need to recognise the places where our fears and insecurities are still robbing life from us. We must continuously search our hearts and hidden parts of our soul for the secrets that can rob us of freedom.
Rather than slaving away and being stuck in the hamster wheel of life or the cycle of aimless striving, earning, and performance that we were not created and designed for, I have decided to love and serve others conditional and to cultivate a stronger abundance mindset.
It’s about being totally free in who I am where I know that I am created to be loved, led, corrected, and disciplined.
I am also able to lay aside my life and personal agenda and serve someone else in unconditional love. It’s about someone else’s life and agenda, not mine. There are so much freedom and satisfaction in that kind of love for others.
It’s like a parent wanting to see their children’s visions and dreams realised in their lifetime. They will do whatever it takes to see maturity and fulfilment come to their sons and daughters. They are just happy and eager to serve the vision and mission of others.
Therefore, know who we are and start loving and serving others
Living in freedom is all about focusing on our identity to love and serve others.
Life and freedom are not about control, manipulation and striving to achieve the same things that have already been freely given to us in abundance.
There’s so much abundance in this world, if only we change our mindset to claim it.
The decision is yours to make – Freedom or slavery
Here’s the thing.
What you gain by control, manipulation, or striving will have to be unnaturally kept by continuous control, manipulation and striving. It’s a vicious cycle of fear, insecurity, and slavery.
People will never feel like they have freedom because they are constantly manipulating their way in and needing to continue maintaining that lifestyle of deceit and constant fear.
There will never be any satisfaction and contentment in life. There’s no peace and joy.
When you continuously do these things, you will never live life as who you really are – the unique identity that is truly you.
The choice is yours to make.
Do you want to live life in freedom or be in slavery and fear?